Economic News......we can all use

Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man

HAZELWOOD, MO—Twenty-six years after Ronald Reagan first set his controversial fiscal policies into motion, the deceased president's massive tax cuts for the ultrarich at last trickled all the way down to deliver their bounty, in the form of a $10 bonus, to Hazelwood, MO car-wash attendant Frank Kellener.

Economic Stimulus Check Burned For Warmth

HELENA, MT—Saying the extra bit of kindling material couldn't have come at a better time, 43-year-old school teacher Tim Donaldson received his $618 rebate check from the Internal Revenue Service Tuesday, and then immediately burned it to provide warmth for his wife and two sons. "It gets pretty cold here at night," said Donaldson, adding that with 75 percent of his take-home pay going toward car and mortgage payments, his children's schooling, and his wife's medical bills, the rare opportunity to sleep in a warm house for a night was much appreciated. "I just want to thank the government for sending such a large check. It burned for quite a while." Donaldson, who could not afford matches or fuel to light the check, said he made do by placing the envelope's clear plastic address window at an angle underneath the sun to spark the initial flame, which his family then huddled around until they fell asleep.

Congress To Raise Alpacas To Aid Struggling Economy

WASHINGTON—Members of Congress assured Americans that they have a definitive plan for reviving the slumping economy when they unveiled on Monday a bold new fiscal stimulus package that calls for the purchase of a pair of alpacas.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said the proposal, which is expected to solve

the sub-prime mortgage crisis, boost consumer confidence, and pump much-needed liquid capital into the market, will be put into motion as soon as the first issue of Alpaca World magazine arrives and Congress has a chance to go through the catalog and select the perfect mating pair.

Proponents of the new economic stimulus package show off the comfort and versatility of alpaca fleece.

"We're confident that breeding alpacas will jump-start the economy and lift this nation out of debt once we get the start-up money," said McConnell, who insists the exotic livestock require very little maintenance and are of a gentler temperament than their cousin the llama. "All you need is a fertile male and a female in heat, and nature takes it course. Before you know it, the money is rolling in and there's alpacas everywhere."

What the Presidential hopefuls are saying:

Barack Obama

Will cut taxes, but occasionally hit up Oprah on behalf of treasury.

Hillary Clinton

"We need to create new jobs in this country—green collar jobs that can help our economy and our environment. And I'd like to point out that that's my term—'green collar' jobs. See, I can come up with exciting phrases."

John McCain

"Once we win this ideological war on radical Islamic extremism which will rage for thousands of years, then we will concentrate on the economy."

Ron Paul

Would get rid of the economy.

Thanks to The Onion!