Monday, August 14, 2006

It's So Easy!

Last week, I answered a meme, telling you all some interesting facts about me (interesting is the subjective word here) One particular answer (#3) spurned a comment about how my husband was lucky to have me. I really do have the secret to a happy marriage. I use the following article as my guide and my light. It's timeless, don't you think??





The Good Wife's Guide
Housekeeping Monthly - May 13, 1955




1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.


2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.


3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.


4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.


5. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

6. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

7. Be happy to see him.

8. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

9. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

10. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.


11. Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

12. Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

13. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

14. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

15. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

16. A good wife always knows her place.


WHAT DO YOU THINK GIRLS?? GUYS??

6 comments:

Malnurtured Snay said...

Uh.

Wow.

Angel2Bitch said...

My friend lives by those rules. She's currently on her 3rd husband. Not so sure they really work. :)
I've been married 23 years and I think the only rule on the list I remotely follow is #1. I'm a housewife so I do cook dinner. Although I only intend to fix hotdogs tonight. Does that still count?

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee, the guide was sorely in need of an update.

1. Sure, you could have a warm dinner ready when he comes home. But this only makes you an enabler. You're not a damned soup kitchen! Can't he eat at "the other woman's" house. Sheesh! It's not like he's not there long enough to enjoy a hot meal or two. Want to let him know that you're thinking of him? Mail him a postcard from Hawaii. Write on the back: "Thinking of You".

2. It's best he doesn't find out that you've been drinking and carousing all day. So take 60 minutes to rest and sober up, so you'll be somewhat coherent and vertical when he arrives. Put a ribbon in your hair, so that you two can quickly engage in his "cheerleader under the bleachers with the star quarterback" fantasy.

3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. So invite your cutest girlfriend over to join in the after-dinner festivities. Remember that we said "a LITTLE gay", so don't get carried away and alienate your husband by making him "odd man out".

4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables. Wait. Is he nicely insured? You may opt to leave that skateboard at the top of the basement stairs.

5. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. You should also play "Light My Fire" by The Doors, in order to reinforce the symbolism. Also, light some candles along with a cigar for him to enjoy. Finally, light some incense as well. Your husband will feel he has reached a very warm haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort (since apparently it is the only thing on God's Green Earth you are even remotely qualified to do), will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Just as successfully navigating your way home from the grocery store does.

6. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Wrap the exterior of your home in old mattresses. Encourage the children to be quiet. Better yet, duct tape their mouths and hide them in the crawl space until he has departed in the morning.

7. Be happy to see him. Pretend he is from Publisher's Clearing House. Hell, visualize that you are seeing him off, and that he'll be gone for good, if you have to. Whatever works.

8. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Lay it on as thick as you can without making yourself ill doing so.

9. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him (you're pregnant, the car was stolen, there's an intruder in the basement, et.al.), but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are infinitely more important than yours. Doesn't matter if it's NASCAR, fishing, hunting, golf or the Cubs. Sit there and take it. And document. Any attorney worth his salt will convince a judge that hubby's incessant droning on IS a form of abuse. And you know what this means. Cha-ching!

10. Make the evening his. Then head out with your fling and leave him to it. Never complain if he comes home late with lipstick on his collar, smelling of cheap perfume. Or if he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment with ladies of ill-repute, without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to crash at home and detox before tomorrow night's tom-catting.

11. Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't invite Jews and Arabs over to dinner on the same night. Rather, build a mini-pyramid chamber in the living room for his relaxation. For authenticity, place an asp in with him while he is asleep.

12. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Lead with light banter and pleasantries. Wait until he's attempting to digest, to bring up the crappy stuff.

13. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Then ... pow! Strike him firmly with a blunt object. Use force and precision to minimize suffering. Have a cool or warm alcoholic drink to relieve the guilt. Then bury the body.

14. Arrange his pillow carefully over his nose and mouth region. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice, urging him to "go to the light".

15. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. What's the point? It's way to late for that. At this point all he can do is unblock the path between you and freedom. Remember, he is the master of his domain, and you are merely an optional gratification method. You have no right to question him or his whereabouts last night, only the right to get even.

16. A good wife always knows her place. In great works of fiction.

leelee said...

MalSnay..thanks for stopping by...you like the guide?

A2B...I'll keep that in mind..I do have 21 years under my belt..so far so good..but really...I thought you all would enjoy this bit of sarcastic humor.

Puerileuwaite...NO ONE could have updated that guide the way you have my friend...thanks...love it!

Paula said...

Oh. My. God.

Can you believe it was ever that way?

Where on Earth did you find that guidebook? I'd love to find a copy.

28 years married in September here.

leelee said...

Congrats PJ. 28 years!!! I'm right behind you there. Well, I wonder was it really ever that way exactlly? Have you ever seen Mona Lisa Smile? That film gives an interesting sneak peek into that life style.